Lost contact, forever.

There have been a few deaths from my contact list

Acquaintance, not close though
However, it was quite tragic
And unexpected

A father, who always shares his life updates, his family, his work
One last status-doing his job passionately,
The next-just few hours later,
an update of him crashing,
at the side of the road, dead..

The other,
a senior of mine,
was warded for some sudden complication, intubated,
then passed while in his sleep.
Someone who I look up to,
Someone who I went to for some advice,
Passionately sharing his knowledge with others.
Always the first to offer help.
An English teacher,
too.

How will I pass mine, later? 

2024

I don't know how to describe this year in words. 

Too many things had happened

Too many tears were shed

Too many emotions rolling like roller coasters

It is a new phase

New routines

New tasks 

New challenges 

But still the old me

Perhaps

Some of the old me is still there

The rest

Shaken to its core

Forced to its limits

Pushed to its edge

Lucky to still be alive

though

It Hit Me Hard

perhaps

I was trying too hard

but were never meant to be 

the best for that person.....

I Still Believe

 People are imperfect

They're full of weaknesses

But they have their strengths too

Some just need to be discovered soon

Is it fair to leave just because of their imperfection?

No one is ever perfect right?

I still care about you

It's not easy for me to keep a distance still 

People would say I'm wasting my time

But I've known you longer than other people do

And I still believe though

That there's still some spark 

that can be reignited

Your words hurt me the deepest

But also, you're still growing up

I am still your frontal lobe, 

am I?

It's a feeling that no one cares

 Life's full of emotions

Sometimes, happy

Other times, angry,

Sad, puzzled,

And so many other. 

Life is like a roller coaster

It's up and down and then up again

Together with emotions inside our hearts

Is it wrong to express how we feel?

Or should we just shove it in our hearts 

And never let others know?

It's the feelings that make us human

To be understood

To be compromised

And to be tolerated

When people belittle it

it's killing us on the inside

as no one understands

the support that we needed

to heal

It's killing us inside

especially when the one we consider our loved ones

didn't care at all. 

it turns us into robots

to have no feelings

to be heartless

to be expressionless

to be null and feel nothing. 

Your attention shows that you care

Your compassion shows that you still have a heart

before it's too late

before you regret not doing it right. 

Snapped.

 I know

This time is not like the previous fights we had

I think you had it all. For real

I can't stop thinking how things will be after this

And I don't think I'm actually ready to get done with it

Not to let you go, yet. 

Was it wrong to point out an advice?

Was it really harsh to give a genuine suggestion?

I did not accuse you of committing

It's just all my predictions came to reality

One by one

At least I have predicted it to happen to you

And it actually did. 

I'm losing myself because of you

Because you matter the most

I know it's wrong not to put myself first

But feelings, it's just uncontrollable desires to choose you over me

And I'm still weak to prioritise myself. 

Maybe I'm being a little too much?

for loving too much

for caring too much

and for controlling too much? 

Overwhelmed

 It hurts

when you put so much expectations

but didn't get the same energy

as I thought as

 it  should be

It's draining

when you hope too much

that they'd have the same hope as you do

but I guess it's not even near, to you

It just didn't reciprocate 

when only one side is striving

while the other is falling, or not moving

I know it's my fault

for being too attached

when perhaps,

you are not, to me

I know it's my mistake

for letting it to happen

that I'd lose control

over my own feelings. 

I'm sorry

for being, me. 

I'm still learning

to be better, me.

A Blessing in Disguise, Definitely.

25/1/2020 - 25/5/2020

Alhamdulillah,

for the experience.

I believe,

He is preparing me for the better,

Insya'allah.

A Blessed Pause

When the world is hit by the C-virus
All seem to collapse
All seem to stop functioning as they do before

Fret not
It gives us time to mend distant relationships
It gives us chance to spend more time with our family
It gives us opportunity to think twice of yet-to-be-made decisions.

Uncertainty
Nobody knows what's gonna happen next
Nobody knows where this will lead us to
Could it be a perfect match afterwards?
Or one step closure to heartbreaks after

A postponed engagement
Before 2 hearts are tied
Before two individuals become a pair
Everything is paused
It gives time to think again

And suddenly,
I'm free again.

Relieved.

A blessing in disguise, indeed.

Alhamdulillah

To my dearest, you

To let you go is almost the impossible thing to do
To let you in sadness on your own would drive me crazy if I do nothing about it.
To let you in pain all alone would be the last thing I'll ever commit

Let me wipe your tears when you're in your fears
Let me calm your tense when you are in your menses
Let me keep you company when there's no one there with you

Yes I'm madly in love with you.
You're special to me
You're irreplaceable
coz there's no one like you

But the time will come where I will have to let you go
There's the time where you have to step on your own and start running your own race
There's the time where you will start painting your own rainbows, your happiness
There'll be the time where you will decide without me beside you anymore

And I'll still be here
Waiting for you to keep me updated with all those victories you'll make.


Just don't forget me
Keep me somewhere in your heart
Coz i'll treasure our moments forever...

Indescribable.

Love
is a feeling
that you can't deny
no matter how many times
you'd say no to yourself

Love
is an act
shown towards others
although you'd never say
'I Love You' to them

Love
is never easy
to let go
or to forget

And the best way to convey love
is to make lots of prayers for them
So hard that they'd have a blessed life
here and in the Hereafter.

Curiosity killed the cat

Never thought that it will be that close.
All those sadness, stress that I had throughout this year were actually building up to a more serious condition.
Can't imagine how the rest of my teaching life would be. Better? Worse? Wallahua'lam
After just 4 years, here I am.
It's not something you can stop thinking and then magic happens and you're healed. Although it's not that serious yet, but preventions still need to be taken from making it worsen.
Quite difficult for a phlegmatic person like me to open up to people.
It's not gonna be easy.
But perhaps I'll try.
Insya'allah
Pray for me too. 

Down the drain

Depressed?
I'm not sure if that's the correct term to use.
Upset?
Perhaps yes.

Incidence after incidence happened throughout this year.
A lot of them involving emotional conflicts.
More towards negative feelings.
Sad. Rejected. Disheartened.
I don't know if I'm too sensitive or too fragile or even caring for too much till it hurts me, my feelings .

There are times when I failed from stop thinking about it. It distracts me. It affects me a little bit too much.

Is it wrong to love them?

but to them, it's just a burden they can't really tell in front of me.

Just because I'm someone they *should* respect

Things would be easier if you just tell the truth. No need to give me your fake smiles. No need to imitate if you hate it.

Just be honest. Please. 

I Lost My Way Notes

*"I LOST MY WAY: Finding Happiness after Despair" by Ustadha Yasmin Mogahed*
.
SORRY FOR ALL THE TYPOS!
.
*Fear, Anxiety...what should I do if there is something I'm afraid of?*
.
(1) Make dua about what you're afraid of. "Ya Allah Azzawajal protect me from this, prevent this from happening." Maybe because of this dua you will be protected.
(2) Ask yourself: is there an action that I can take or need to take to protect myself or others from what I fear. If yes and the action is halal, then take that action.
(3) Let it go. Don't open the door. If it comes knocking again, repeat (1)+(2)
.
Fear is a tool of Shaytan to lock us in anxeity. It stops us from getting closer to Allah and from living more fulfilled lives. If you do the steps above then you are using the fear to get closer to Allah instead. Shaytan will have to eventually stop specifically because you are getting closer to Allah.
.
Replace negative thoughts with positive ones.
.
*Ways to increase happiness from the field of "Positive Psychology"* - similar concepts to #risinghigh
.
(1) Mindfulness - Being aware and being present in the current moment with whatever you're doing. Islamic examples are on a higher level: Khushu in solah, mindful of your remembrance of Allah, present with the Quran.
.
(2) The practice of gratitude - Writing a journal of 3-5 points of gratitude each day. This can treat Depression. This is effective by shifting the focus from what we don't have to what we have. Allah says in the Quran, "If you are grateful, then I will give you more." When you appreciate what Allah has already given you, then He will give you more. Be appreciative of the people around you too, that's how we get more love/kindness/appreciation from them as well. Giving appreciation is giving respect.
.
(3) Focus shift. Focus on what you have and it will grow, you will feel rich. Focus on what you don't have and it will also grow, you will fell poor. Focus on problems (be a problem solver) and you will drown (always with problems). *Allah Azzawajal is the one who solves problems so don't attempt to do it on your own. It's not in your power, it's in His.*
.
What about doing your part so that Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala can take the wheel?
.
Your part is the first set of steps 1-3 above. Do that then let it go! Don't think about it anymore. It is also doing what you can, then having tawwakal. Tie the camel then trust in Allah. That's it. Don't keep thinking about it like a mental treadmill that goes nowhere. You will just tire yourself out and end up with the same result. Know when to let go.
.
(4) Serve others and to be generous. People who serve others and spend on others that increases happiness.
.
*Spiritually, one of the reasons for our suffering is the lack of dhikr (remembrance) of Allah.*
.
Ask:
(1) Am I Praying. Am I praying on time? It is like medicine that has to be taken on time for the best effect. Don't compromise it (solah). Solah is what separates a Believer and a Rejector. When solah is missing Shaytan becomes your advisor and this is why this person will go downward, be easily led to sin/shamelessness, they will also be blind (spiritually blind to their Deen, sin and misdeeds) and they will have a narrow miserable life. Lack of oxygen (solah) leads to weakness and the inability to see properly: black seems white (sin looks attractive), white seems black (righteousness seems oppressive). Something ugly is beautified.
.
*THERE IS NO USE REMINDING AND TALKING TO SOME PEOPLE ABOUT HALAL AND HARAM. THEY JUST CANNOT IMPROVE OR COME OUT OF SIN, WHY? OFTEN IT IS BECAUSE THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH ALLAH AZZAWAJAL. AND IT STARTS WITH A PROBLEM WITH SOLAH... PARTICULARLY LEAVING SOLAH.* Remember your solah is what Allah Azzawajal loves more. This is how you gets close to Allah. There is no way to get closer to Allah than what He has made obligatory.
.
HOW DO WE GET ALLAH TO LOVE US?
Always do the Obligatory then top up with the Sunnah acts of worship. And, stay away from innovation (bid'a)...as if what is in the Fard and Sunnah is not enough. Everything we need to get close to Allah is already in the Quran and Sunnah. If you start adding and thinking more can be done then it can be a trap of Shaytan.
.
Credit to: officialalizakim

Dia

Baru-baru ni sempat berbual dengan salah seorang timbalan ketua rumah yang baru dilantik. Saja bertanya khabar, perasaan, dan hasrat dia setelah dilantik. Rezeki untuk dia, sebab dilantik tak lama lepas jadi pengawas baru. Mesti ada macam-macam rasa.

Tapi, apa yang buat aku rasa tersentuh, bila dia kata dia ada pasang angan-angan nak sambung tahfiz lepas habis SPM. Tahun ni dia baru tingkatan empat. Tak ramai ada impian macam tu, dik. Kau hebat.

Just keep that intention till you achieve it.

Sebelum dia masuk sekolah ni, dia dapat 2 tawaran. Satu ke sekolah ni, satu lagi ke sekolah tahfiz. Tapi disebabkan sekolah tu jauh dan dia baru nak masuk tingkatan satu, sekolah ni lebih menjadi pilihan. Kemudian, habis tingkatan tiga, dia pernah terfikir nak keluar dari sekolah ni dan masuk ke sekolah aliran tahfiz. Malangnya, hari yang dia baru nak bagitau keluarga, hari tu lah hari terakhir atau sehari selepas tarikh akhir memohon. Belum rezeki lagi.

Entah. Aku just terfikir. Mungkin, jawatan yang dia terima sekarang ni  adalah hikmah disebaliknya?

Aku percaya, banyak potensi dia boleh digilap lepas ni. Mungkin lebih banyak hati yang boleh disentuh dengan dia menjadi pemimpin?

Beramallah, walau secebis cuma

Hari ini
seorang kakak menegurku di pejabat
katanya, dia berjumpa dengan seorang sahabat lamaku

Puteri namanya
kini mengasuh anaknya di taska
.......lama aku meneliti bait nama itu

Kakak itu menyambung
Puteri ada cerita, dia ada seorang kawan ditempat kakak itu bekerja,
iaitu aku

dahulu
waktu kami kecil-kecil dahulu
kami tidaklah serapat mana
hinggakan sekarang, sudah lama tak berjumpa

namun ingatannya terhadapku
membuatkan aku merenung seketika

"Puteri ingat Aqilah sebab masa sekolah rendah dulu, Aqilah selalu bagi pinjam duit pada Puteri sebab Puteri takde duit nak beli makanan masa rehat"

Allahu Akbar
sampai sekarang dia masih ingat lagi
sedangkan dahulu itu, dah hampir 20 tahun lamanya

(TT________TT)


Peringatan pada diri
buat baik tak kira masa
jangan persoal besar atau kecil
kerana mungkin itu yang membersihkan jiwa
mungkin itu, yang bantu kita untuk ke Syurga

Change For The Better

Life

has been hectic 

as usual

New principal

New school timetable

New batch of students

New this, new that

and oh

NEW GOVERNMENT!

Cast my vote as a first time voter 

this has been around with me these few days, indelible ink

in overall

we are adapting to changes

perhaps at some point

most of us will grumble 

and disagree with certain issues

but sometimes

the ones that we disagree the most

are the ones we needed the most

we just need time 

to adapt and rejoice

and my reason is you

full of thoughts
but speechless
full of ideas
but numbness

there's so many reasons to tell
there's so many moments to share

but here I am
unable to say it through
unable to put it right

after all that we've shared
after all that we've been through

just remember

that I still love you

but, do you... too?

The day they will reveal it.

Titian Kejayaan

Mengejar kejayaan

Mengharung rintangan

Dengan iringan doa restu

Ayah serta ibu, ku menjejak ilmu

Sedetik yang berlalu

Impianku satu

Gemilang diri, peribadi

Dengan ikrar janji, kata ditepati

Kejayaan diimpikan

Usaha kita perlukan

Kejayaan hasrat kita

Kecemerlangan satu wawasan

Yakini diri tempuh cabaran

Bersama kita buktikan

Zaman berzaman teguh harapan

Semurni impi kita pastikan

Berjaya hingga akhirnya

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFOx0u7U68Q

p/s; I remember we had to sing this song every Tuesday when I was in Form 3. 

Some sort of motivation of the day, I guess. 

another p/s: All the best for tomorrow Xanthrons, no matter what your results would be, I still love all of you. 

a second chance

I guess

they deserve a second chance

to prove that they're worth it

to prove that they can do it

a single mistake

that led to a misfortune

to some

it's done and they should be punished eternally

to some others they might say

it's okay and should be forgotten

they'll learn from their mistakes

no one is born to be perfect

no one is born to be the know-it-all