Lost contact, forever.

There have been a few deaths from my contact list

Acquaintance, not close though
However, it was quite tragic
And unexpected

A father, who always shares his life updates, his family, his work
One last status-doing his job passionately,
The next-just few hours later,
an update of him crashing,
at the side of the road, dead..

The other,
a senior of mine,
was warded for some sudden complication, intubated,
then passed while in his sleep.
Someone who I look up to,
Someone who I went to for some advice,
Passionately sharing his knowledge with others.
Always the first to offer help.
An English teacher,
too.

How will I pass mine, later? 

2024

I don't know how to describe this year in words. 

Too many things had happened

Too many tears were shed

Too many emotions rolling like roller coasters

It is a new phase

New routines

New tasks 

New challenges 

But still the old me

Perhaps

Some of the old me is still there

The rest

Shaken to its core

Forced to its limits

Pushed to its edge

Lucky to still be alive

though

It Hit Me Hard

perhaps

I was trying too hard

but were never meant to be 

the best for that person.....

I Still Believe

 People are imperfect

They're full of weaknesses

But they have their strengths too

Some just need to be discovered soon

Is it fair to leave just because of their imperfection?

No one is ever perfect right?

I still care about you

It's not easy for me to keep a distance still 

People would say I'm wasting my time

But I've known you longer than other people do

And I still believe though

That there's still some spark 

that can be reignited

Your words hurt me the deepest

But also, you're still growing up

I am still your frontal lobe, 

am I?

It's a feeling that no one cares

 Life's full of emotions

Sometimes, happy

Other times, angry,

Sad, puzzled,

And so many other. 

Life is like a roller coaster

It's up and down and then up again

Together with emotions inside our hearts

Is it wrong to express how we feel?

Or should we just shove it in our hearts 

And never let others know?

It's the feelings that make us human

To be understood

To be compromised

And to be tolerated

When people belittle it

it's killing us on the inside

as no one understands

the support that we needed

to heal

It's killing us inside

especially when the one we consider our loved ones

didn't care at all. 

it turns us into robots

to have no feelings

to be heartless

to be expressionless

to be null and feel nothing. 

Your attention shows that you care

Your compassion shows that you still have a heart

before it's too late

before you regret not doing it right. 

Snapped.

 I know

This time is not like the previous fights we had

I think you had it all. For real

I can't stop thinking how things will be after this

And I don't think I'm actually ready to get done with it

Not to let you go, yet. 

Was it wrong to point out an advice?

Was it really harsh to give a genuine suggestion?

I did not accuse you of committing

It's just all my predictions came to reality

One by one

At least I have predicted it to happen to you

And it actually did. 

I'm losing myself because of you

Because you matter the most

I know it's wrong not to put myself first

But feelings, it's just uncontrollable desires to choose you over me

And I'm still weak to prioritise myself. 

Maybe I'm being a little too much?

for loving too much

for caring too much

and for controlling too much? 

Overwhelmed

 It hurts

when you put so much expectations

but didn't get the same energy

as I thought as

 it  should be

It's draining

when you hope too much

that they'd have the same hope as you do

but I guess it's not even near, to you

It just didn't reciprocate 

when only one side is striving

while the other is falling, or not moving

I know it's my fault

for being too attached

when perhaps,

you are not, to me

I know it's my mistake

for letting it to happen

that I'd lose control

over my own feelings. 

I'm sorry

for being, me. 

I'm still learning

to be better, me.