Curiosity killed the cat

Never thought that it will be that close.
All those sadness, stress that I had throughout this year were actually building up to a more serious condition.
Can't imagine how the rest of my teaching life would be. Better? Worse? Wallahua'lam
After just 4 years, here I am.
It's not something you can stop thinking and then magic happens and you're healed. Although it's not that serious yet, but preventions still need to be taken from making it worsen.
Quite difficult for a phlegmatic person like me to open up to people.
It's not gonna be easy.
But perhaps I'll try.
Insya'allah
Pray for me too. 

Down the drain

Depressed?
I'm not sure if that's the correct term to use.
Upset?
Perhaps yes.

Incidence after incidence happened throughout this year.
A lot of them involving emotional conflicts.
More towards negative feelings.
Sad. Rejected. Disheartened.
I don't know if I'm too sensitive or too fragile or even caring for too much till it hurts me, my feelings .

There are times when I failed from stop thinking about it. It distracts me. It affects me a little bit too much.

Is it wrong to love them?

but to them, it's just a burden they can't really tell in front of me.

Just because I'm someone they *should* respect

Things would be easier if you just tell the truth. No need to give me your fake smiles. No need to imitate if you hate it.

Just be honest. Please. 

I Lost My Way Notes

*"I LOST MY WAY: Finding Happiness after Despair" by Ustadha Yasmin Mogahed*
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SORRY FOR ALL THE TYPOS!
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*Fear, Anxiety...what should I do if there is something I'm afraid of?*
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(1) Make dua about what you're afraid of. "Ya Allah Azzawajal protect me from this, prevent this from happening." Maybe because of this dua you will be protected.
(2) Ask yourself: is there an action that I can take or need to take to protect myself or others from what I fear. If yes and the action is halal, then take that action.
(3) Let it go. Don't open the door. If it comes knocking again, repeat (1)+(2)
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Fear is a tool of Shaytan to lock us in anxeity. It stops us from getting closer to Allah and from living more fulfilled lives. If you do the steps above then you are using the fear to get closer to Allah instead. Shaytan will have to eventually stop specifically because you are getting closer to Allah.
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Replace negative thoughts with positive ones.
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*Ways to increase happiness from the field of "Positive Psychology"* - similar concepts to #risinghigh
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(1) Mindfulness - Being aware and being present in the current moment with whatever you're doing. Islamic examples are on a higher level: Khushu in solah, mindful of your remembrance of Allah, present with the Quran.
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(2) The practice of gratitude - Writing a journal of 3-5 points of gratitude each day. This can treat Depression. This is effective by shifting the focus from what we don't have to what we have. Allah says in the Quran, "If you are grateful, then I will give you more." When you appreciate what Allah has already given you, then He will give you more. Be appreciative of the people around you too, that's how we get more love/kindness/appreciation from them as well. Giving appreciation is giving respect.
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(3) Focus shift. Focus on what you have and it will grow, you will feel rich. Focus on what you don't have and it will also grow, you will fell poor. Focus on problems (be a problem solver) and you will drown (always with problems). *Allah Azzawajal is the one who solves problems so don't attempt to do it on your own. It's not in your power, it's in His.*
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What about doing your part so that Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala can take the wheel?
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Your part is the first set of steps 1-3 above. Do that then let it go! Don't think about it anymore. It is also doing what you can, then having tawwakal. Tie the camel then trust in Allah. That's it. Don't keep thinking about it like a mental treadmill that goes nowhere. You will just tire yourself out and end up with the same result. Know when to let go.
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(4) Serve others and to be generous. People who serve others and spend on others that increases happiness.
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*Spiritually, one of the reasons for our suffering is the lack of dhikr (remembrance) of Allah.*
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Ask:
(1) Am I Praying. Am I praying on time? It is like medicine that has to be taken on time for the best effect. Don't compromise it (solah). Solah is what separates a Believer and a Rejector. When solah is missing Shaytan becomes your advisor and this is why this person will go downward, be easily led to sin/shamelessness, they will also be blind (spiritually blind to their Deen, sin and misdeeds) and they will have a narrow miserable life. Lack of oxygen (solah) leads to weakness and the inability to see properly: black seems white (sin looks attractive), white seems black (righteousness seems oppressive). Something ugly is beautified.
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*THERE IS NO USE REMINDING AND TALKING TO SOME PEOPLE ABOUT HALAL AND HARAM. THEY JUST CANNOT IMPROVE OR COME OUT OF SIN, WHY? OFTEN IT IS BECAUSE THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH ALLAH AZZAWAJAL. AND IT STARTS WITH A PROBLEM WITH SOLAH... PARTICULARLY LEAVING SOLAH.* Remember your solah is what Allah Azzawajal loves more. This is how you gets close to Allah. There is no way to get closer to Allah than what He has made obligatory.
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HOW DO WE GET ALLAH TO LOVE US?
Always do the Obligatory then top up with the Sunnah acts of worship. And, stay away from innovation (bid'a)...as if what is in the Fard and Sunnah is not enough. Everything we need to get close to Allah is already in the Quran and Sunnah. If you start adding and thinking more can be done then it can be a trap of Shaytan.
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Credit to: officialalizakim

Dia

Baru-baru ni sempat berbual dengan salah seorang timbalan ketua rumah yang baru dilantik. Saja bertanya khabar, perasaan, dan hasrat dia setelah dilantik. Rezeki untuk dia, sebab dilantik tak lama lepas jadi pengawas baru. Mesti ada macam-macam rasa.

Tapi, apa yang buat aku rasa tersentuh, bila dia kata dia ada pasang angan-angan nak sambung tahfiz lepas habis SPM. Tahun ni dia baru tingkatan empat. Tak ramai ada impian macam tu, dik. Kau hebat.

Just keep that intention till you achieve it.

Sebelum dia masuk sekolah ni, dia dapat 2 tawaran. Satu ke sekolah ni, satu lagi ke sekolah tahfiz. Tapi disebabkan sekolah tu jauh dan dia baru nak masuk tingkatan satu, sekolah ni lebih menjadi pilihan. Kemudian, habis tingkatan tiga, dia pernah terfikir nak keluar dari sekolah ni dan masuk ke sekolah aliran tahfiz. Malangnya, hari yang dia baru nak bagitau keluarga, hari tu lah hari terakhir atau sehari selepas tarikh akhir memohon. Belum rezeki lagi.

Entah. Aku just terfikir. Mungkin, jawatan yang dia terima sekarang ni  adalah hikmah disebaliknya?

Aku percaya, banyak potensi dia boleh digilap lepas ni. Mungkin lebih banyak hati yang boleh disentuh dengan dia menjadi pemimpin?

Beramallah, walau secebis cuma

Hari ini
seorang kakak menegurku di pejabat
katanya, dia berjumpa dengan seorang sahabat lamaku

Puteri namanya
kini mengasuh anaknya di taska
.......lama aku meneliti bait nama itu

Kakak itu menyambung
Puteri ada cerita, dia ada seorang kawan ditempat kakak itu bekerja,
iaitu aku

dahulu
waktu kami kecil-kecil dahulu
kami tidaklah serapat mana
hinggakan sekarang, sudah lama tak berjumpa

namun ingatannya terhadapku
membuatkan aku merenung seketika

"Puteri ingat Aqilah sebab masa sekolah rendah dulu, Aqilah selalu bagi pinjam duit pada Puteri sebab Puteri takde duit nak beli makanan masa rehat"

Allahu Akbar
sampai sekarang dia masih ingat lagi
sedangkan dahulu itu, dah hampir 20 tahun lamanya

(TT________TT)


Peringatan pada diri
buat baik tak kira masa
jangan persoal besar atau kecil
kerana mungkin itu yang membersihkan jiwa
mungkin itu, yang bantu kita untuk ke Syurga

Change For The Better

Life

has been hectic 

as usual

New principal

New school timetable

New batch of students

New this, new that

and oh

NEW GOVERNMENT!

Cast my vote as a first time voter 

this has been around with me these few days, indelible ink

in overall

we are adapting to changes

perhaps at some point

most of us will grumble 

and disagree with certain issues

but sometimes

the ones that we disagree the most

are the ones we needed the most

we just need time 

to adapt and rejoice