Novice.

I know, being a novice teacher, everything (literally almost every single dirty job) is going to be dumped in front of us. Lets say if any senior teachers refuse to do that, they'll pass it to us with the excuses like...

"you're still young, full of energy and excitement"
"you don't have much commitments as I do"
" this is how we learnt during our days, now it's your turn"
"go and gain as many experience, that way you'll learn"

I don't blatantly saying that we feel burdened to be the 'dustbins' for them, but sometimes there are things that need to be considered as well. If you are loading us with the workloads, please guide us how to do those things. Not simply give us everything and leave us hanging. Yes, we want to learn, but please direct us. Yes, we'll definitely make mistakes, but please teach us so we can do better next time. Some teachers really like to compare with their glorious days as if they never commit mistakes like the ones we the newly teachers have done. As if we were totally losers in terms of doing things the way they want it to be. Some novice teachers are also being condemned for not being nice towards the senior teachers. Perhaps, some of these novice teachers don't even realise that what they're doing is wrong or unacceptable, so why don't just meet them in person and tell them. Don't talk behind our backs and spread gossips around the school without us knowing any single thing about it.

Commitments.
Please, just because we're young, we don't have any commitments like other people. Yes, we may be still single and not having a family at the moment, but that doesn't mean we literally don't have other commitments. We still have our siblings, our parents, our relatives to visit and be taken care of. That is our commitment. All work and no fun makes Jack a dull boy. We also need our own privacy time from school work. But since almost every weekend is taken as we had to bring these kids here and there for several reasons, we have just becoming like robots.  Lifeless. Emotionless. Restless.

I am not complaining all these while but being teachers is ridiculously stressful these days. Be fair to us. Of course we want to learn to be a great teacher like other teachers, but let us explore. Guide us so we won't do it terribly. Support us if we want to try new things to improve our students. So that we love our job as teachers. 

proses kematangan

"Cikgu, kami masih kena pakai tag nama pengawas percubaan lagi ke?" tanya seorang pelajar mewakili pengawas-pengawas baru yang dilantik siang tadinya.

"Pendapat saya, gantung di satu tempat yang kamu selalu nampak. Dalam locker, depan cermin, atau mana-mana saja yang mudah untuk kamu lihat. Setiap kali hendak keluar dari dorm, ingat permulaan kamu. Ingat zaman-zaman kamu dimaki dimarah bilamana kerja yang ditugaskan kepada kamu tidak menjadi. Ingat masa-masa kamu down sebab tersilap buat penilaian dan perbuatan. Ingat masa-masa kamu tak tahu apa-apa, yang pada masa tu lah kamu belajar untuk buat itu, buat ini. Ingat, sebab bila kamu dah berada diatas, kamu kena sentiasa muhasabah dan ingat bagaimana kamu berjaya capai tahap kamu sekarang, kalau bukan dengan bermulanya sebagai pengawas percubaan. There's always a first time for everything and everything begins from nothing".

Sama-sama kita belajar untuk mematangkan diri setelah diberi kepercayaan. 

kata putus

kita kini diuji
dengan kata-kata dulunya
yang disangka takkan terjadi

mereka selalu nasihat
dalam kita memberi
berilah mengikut kadaran diri
usah peduli yang tak dapat digapai
buat dengan apa yang di genggaman

yang disana
berkata begitu
yang disini
berkata begini

Allah yang pegang hati
yang sering berbolak balik ini
yang sering bertukar arah ini
tetapkan hati kami
pandu kiblat kami

kerna padaMu kami mengharap

Am I?

I guess, I'm slowly adapting with the system. The ethos, the culture, the ways on how to do things and stuff like that. And perhaps, I begin to understand MY role as a teacher here.

Perhaps I'm not the best teacher who always get students' attention. I'm not a good teacher that makes my students do very well in their exams, some of them even failed their English paper. Perhaps I'm not the most efficient teacher in making things a success. Paperworks, nah, I'm way too far from perfection.

However, tonight, one student has just changed my perspective on how I look at myself. One of them confessed, along most of the ceremonies conducted by students here, they said I'd always be there for them. Not sure of what I've done, but perhaps I was always there when they needed someone to talk to. Every time they were scolded by other teachers for making mistakes during ceremonies, I was there to console them. To make things a little bit cooler and calm. So, what am I exactly?

Nevertheless, there are a few types of students I've noticed in this school. There are students who really take my advice wholeheartedly, and really make a deep reflection on things I've said, shared or even scolded. There are also students who simply take advantages on me, ie by using my NAME as a tool of escapism for breaking the school rules (yes, I was a little pissed and upset when I knew that from other teacher).

Perhaps I should not be too close with the second group of students. Yes they need special attention, but sometimes their actions deserve more than just being nice.

gradually

currently building up my confidence

it's like I'm starting all over again

I'm starting from the beginning

with a small circle of class

then it rises to a bigger class

perhaps, in the future soon

I'll be able to take the stage?

but one thing to remember

the more we talk

the more sins we'll make

so it's better to talk

or to silent still?

piety-less

I am lost again
in the midst of this worldly matters
I can no longer find myself
despite of who I was in the past
I'd utterly regret to say
It's no longer the same

I tried to find Him in everything I do
but till now I keep on failing
I'm no longer near to tranquility
it is more to messiness and guilty

I've been running away from reality
Yes, like a coward turns away from problems
unable to solve them, but to deny, to sidetrack

O Allah, give me strength to move on
Show me the way to find You again
Don't leave me alone and go astray

Parents

I saw a couple with 2 children. The father, with a silver chain around his neck and a cigarette, was holding the baby while the mother, wearing a short sleeves with a small instant tudung was busy with the other child.

Kids and cigarettes? I don't think that's a good father example. Short sleeves and a small instant tudung? There's something not right somewhere.

Kids don't come out and grow up with good characters automatically. They are to be nurtured according to their parents. Parents ARE their role model.

Hopefully their parents have attended any parenting courses, or any Islamic talks upon upbringing a Muslim child. Let the deen be in their heart, not just on their attire. Hopefully they will become good parents with a good grasp of knowledge of Islam and also parenting skills.

don't let the child grow up know nothing about Islam

don't let the child do whatever they want to do just because their parents did it too.

p/s: Parenting nowadays is not easy. 

bersalaman

"Cikgu, tangan cikgu tulang sangat la.... Sakit kepala saya bila salam dengan cikgu..."

"Dah, salah tangan saya pulak. Kamu yang tarik tangan saya, saya hulur je"

Hint apekah yang cuba disampaikan?

Don't you worry

I can be your ears
To listen to all your rants and rambles
Or when you need someone to talk to

I can be your shoulder
To hold and support you
When you're down or in tears

O don't you scared my dear
Don't be afraid to make mistakes
Don't worry if you don't get it right

There's always a first time
For everything you never do
Don't give up my dear
For good endings that'll appear

temper

I did it again.

After nearly 3 months in this school, I have lost my temper. Again. Something I don't wish to do but it happened without my consciousness. I feel bad for myself, but glad that no vulgar words were used. Still trying my best to control my words, and also my reaction.

Yesterday, two of the girls came to meet me personally. I don't know why but I feel heartless. I don't know what has gotten into me but that's it. It seems that it's still hard for me to forgive them. This morning, the same girls went to the staff room and gave me an apology card. Looks like that they were totally affected by what had happened.

Really hope that this would change them to improve themselves. Let us pray for their success.

Nevertheless of what has happened, I'm still in the phase of learning to express my feelings. To convey how I felt and let the message come across them. 

drama

"Hey! why our school's name was not on the list for the consolation prize?"

"I think your school has been shortlisted"

'OMG! No, no.. I won't believe a thing until our name is being called..."

"The second runner up for the English drama competition goes to...... ****!"

"Seriously, there's only 2 schools left. I think we've nailed it!"

***********

Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah. Never had in mind we could have reached this far. It's our first time entering the national level and won the 2nd place. A new school like us. Alhamdulillah Thumma Alhamdulillah..

Being a novice teacher and being able to experience all this, was really exciting. There were a lot that I've learned throughout this phase though not sure whether I could do better than that. Time. Experience. Support. All that matters. 

the beginning

I think it's been ages since this blog was last updated. There are tonnes of stories that I'd like to share, but time is all that I don't have. For now I'm still adapting.With those kids, with my workload and all. But I enjoy being around them. Because it always reminds me of my schooling days. Being in 'that' environment I only experienced when I was studying abroad. That culture that is yet to be adapted, but the spark is already there. Maybe that's why I am being sent there. To let the spark continues to light the life of these amazing kids. To let them love it even after they have finished their schooling. Those 'mata-mata rantai'.